Common Behaviors of Teenagers with ADD or ADHD
"It seemed like I was always in trouble with my parents. Since third grade I felt I had been grounded my whole life. I forget my chores a lot. If Dad asked me to bring my dirty clothes to be washed, I forgot to do it. I would forget to clean my room. I felt like my parents didn't trust me. Sometimes I didn't always tell them the truth because I knew they didn't trust me anyway. Medication has helped, but when I'm not on my medicine, I drive real bad. I forget to stop at red lights and sometimes I stop at green lights."
-Shawn, age 16
"Punishment at the time given seems to devastate Lewis but consequences are soon forgotten. If he is on restrictions, it seems like he falls asleep if he slows down. Lewis says he wishes 'he could be in a coma' so that time would go faster."
"Sometimes I have trouble getting to sleep at night. I always have so many things I want to do, like work on my car, stereo system, Game Boy, or on anything electronic. I get busy and can't get to bed on time."
-Alex, age 16
Clearly, being the parent of a teenager with an attention deficit is not an easy job. Your teen's impulsivity, inattention, and other classic symptoms of ADD or ADHD can be very challenging. In addition, these symptoms may result in irritating behaviors that are not listed in the official DSM diagnostic criteria. For example, many teenagers with attention deficits act younger than they are, are forgetful, argue or talk back, are hard to wake up, have a messy room, don't learn from discipline, get speeding tickets, or act without thinking of the consequences of their actions.
Since the DSM tells only part of the story about attention deficit disorder, this chapter describes what it is like to live with a teenager with ADD or ADHD on a day-to-day basis. Depending on the severity of the symptoms and the presence of other coexisting problems, your teenager may have a few or many of these characteristics. This chapter offers brief suggestions for coping with these problems, with the goal of helping parents and professionals treat the disorder more effectively. This information should also help parents anticipate and possibly avoid some problems. An easy-to-reference chart of common behaviors and parenting tips is provided at the end of the chapter (Table 9-1). For information on common school-related behaviors, see Chapters 12 and 13.
A primary reason for describing these ADD/ADHD behaviors is so that parents will realize how common they are. If your teenager misbehaves, you may be less likely to overreact and believe that the behavior is a sign of laziness, intentional defiance, or budding delinquency. It may also be reassuring to you and your teenager to realize you are not alone.
"When I talked with other parents at our CHADD group, I was amazed at how similar our sons' problems were. I was relieved to know other teenagers with ADHD do the same things."
As a parent of a teenager with an attention deficit, you can always find plenty of problem behaviors to criticize. However, you will be worn out physically and emotionally if you correct every misbehavior. You must pick your battles carefully, use reprimands sparingly, teach compensatory skills, and deal assertively with misbehavior which could harm your teenager or others. Even if your teenager has many of the behaviors described in this chapter, you may be more successful if you pick one or two behaviors that are most disturbing and work on improving those. You can't solve all problems. Plus, punishment is not going to make those behaviors that are a direct result of an attention deficit and executive skill deficits--disorganization, forgetfulness, lack of awareness of time--disappear. Your teenager can learn to compensate for these problems as he gets older, but it will take time.
Don't underestimate the impact of executive function deficits. It is critical for you to understand that many of your teen's irritating behaviors are linked directly to deficits in executive skills. This knowledge always helped me keep my son's behavior in perspective and remind myself that his misbehavior typically was not intentional.
ADD/ADHD education is one of the most important things you can do to help your teen understand and cope with her attention deficit, plus improve family relationships. You need to help her learn about the condition so she begins to understand why she does some of the things she does. Then she may be less defensive when you try to teach her to compensate for some ADD/ADHD behaviors. Obviously, you will want to work jointly with your teen to solve problems. For example, if you organize her closet, she should be involved in suggesting how to do it and where items should be stored.
INDEPENDENCE and FREEDOM
Independence and freedom are high priorities for teenagers with attention deficits One parent described it as "irresponsible independence." They believe they are perfect, responsible judgment. Frequently, they want more freedom than parents believe they are ready to handle. They don't want anyone to tell them what to do. Dr. Sydney Zentall explains that these youngsters seem to have a greater need to be in control than their peers.
"Cassie had been to Nepal twice and climbed the Himalayas by the time she was twenty-two."
"Alex, at age sixteen, was adamant about going unchaperoned to Panama City, Florida with a group of his friends for a week during Spring Break. He didn't have a clue why I objected."
Encourage Independence; Trust Your Teenager.
Try to give your teenager as much freedom as you feel she can cope with successfully. Give her numerous opportunities to make her own decisions. Sometimes, this means trusting her even though you are ambivalent and anxious and may not feel she deserves your trust. You are conveying an important message to your teenager: "WeI trust you."
Be Observant. Be discreetly observant and intervene when your teenager isn't handling her independence well. It may be necessary to regroup and take away privileges, but extend them again later to give her a second chance. For example, you go out of town for the weekend. You give permission for a friend to spend the night to keep your daughter company. No one else is allowed to be there. Later, you discover empty beer bottles and learn from neighbors that she had a party at the house. You put her on restrictions for a weekend and remind her that she has "broken your trust." After a period of time give her a second chance.
Consider Compromise. Perhaps you can structure the proposed activity so that your teenager is more likely to handle the independence successfully. For example, a brave parent may volunteer to accompany a group of teenagers to the beach for a weekend. This is considered a "win-win" situation. Through this compromise, both the parent and the teenager are happy. The teen is allowed to go to the beach with friends, and the parent is along to provide some level of supervision.
Offer an Attractive Alternative. If your teenager wants to participate in a forbidden activity, try presenting an alternative. Bear in mind that any activity offered as a substitute must interest your child and provide sufficient freedom. For example, suppose you discover that she and some friends have rented a motel room for a New Year's party. After telling her you do not approve, you may offer to let her have a party in your basement with unobtrusive adult supervision. Or, as described below, you might offer to take her and several friends to a nearby lake or the mountains.
You should also anticipate that major events such as a prom or New Year's eve will spark your teenager's need to do something different and exciting. It may help to propose an interesting activity before she has ideas of her own. Having a supervised overnight party where the teenagers can stay up all night and play pool, video games, or watch movies may be appealing to them. Other parents may be willing to help supervise the event.
"To celebrate New Year's we took fourteen teenagers to the lake to spend the night. They stayed up all night, watching movies and playing pool. The next day they went for boat rides, and one brave soul put on a wetsuit and went water skiing."
