From Chapter Four: Communicating and Problem-Solving as a Couple

ESSENTIAL COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Many people tell me their spouses only talk when they are in a marital counseling session. This is because a climate is established in counseling that makes it safe and rewarding to talk. Many of the guidelines I have found successful in marital sessions with couples are incorporated into this chapter and will have good benefits if used at home.

Say things in a way that can be heard.
This principle may be easier to understand if you think about handwriting. The quality of your handwriting does not matter much when you are jotting down something for yourself. When you leave notes or directions for someone to follow, I imagine you take more care that they are clear and legible. You modify your writing so that it can be read. Verbal communication needs to be modified in a like manner. There are three main components to saying things in a way that will be heard.
1. Minimize your partner's defensiveness or desire for avoidance.
2. Be clear about your feelings and thoughts.
3. Demonstrate an understanding of your partner's viewpoints.

In this manner, you are trying not to add static that makes it harder for your message to get through. This is part of the "efficiency" I wrote about earlier. If you feel it is phony or have too little patience to modify how you talk, I would add that I am not asking you to alter your heartfelt messages. Just say things in a way that has the best chance of working. We will discuss many strategies that will help along the way and begin with a very important one: the use of empathy.

Respond Empathetically

Empathic responding paves the way to talk about difficult issues.
Empathic responding is discussed in almost all books on interpersonal skills and a host of training programs for professions that require "people skills." Amongst its many benefits, empathic responding has a way of diffusing resistance and negative emotions that present obstacles to communication. That is why it is a core skill in activities ranging from parenting and customer service to crisis intervention. Many people use this skill naturally; others need to learn to use it more consciously when interacting with an upset partner.

We will begin with an example of its use by a mother of a son with severe sensory integration problems. These problems largely precluded him from enjoying many activities that require motor skills. Instead, he mostly enjoyed playing by himself and involving himself in playing with lavish costumes.

"In the earlier days, I probably felt sorry for my husband because he couldn't have the typical "Dad/son things." Our son couldn't play ball. He was always unsettled, and he was always pretending with his costumes on. It wasn't a very "guy-ish" kind of Dad/son thing. And bless his heart: My husband is a little more pragmatic. I felt bad for him. I would look at him and say, 'I'll bet this hurts. I'll bet this hurts you because you'd rather be out there playing wiffle ball or out on the front deck (we have a basketball court out there), wouldn't you?'"

There are many ways this woman could have approached the situation. She could have said to herself (or her husband), "We both have it hard." Or, she could have simply ignored how her husband was feeling because she certainly had her own hands full. Both would have been reasonable. However, she chose to reflect on her husband's feelings and to put those reflections into words. This process, empathic responding, is powerful. In this case, it had potential to help her spouse deal with his mourning a little bit more and it also could have helped defuse potential anger over their son's choice of activities. In addition, her empathy may have made him a little less likely to feel shut out of mother/son activities.

The steps to empathic responding follow. If you practice this skill when you are not upset, it is easier to draw upon when there is more conflict or high levels of emotion. It is not easy, yet the results are worth the challenge.
1. Listen to your partner.
2. As you listen, suspend judgment and don't think about whether you agree or disagree.
3. Don't think about what you are going to say next.
4. Paraphrase what you hear your partner saying without adding any commentary. You might begin with a phrase such as, "It sounds as if you are saying...." Or, "Let me see if I fully understand what you are saying...."
5. Remember that emotions need to be captured along with the words.
6. Check whether you have understood your partner well; if not, ask what you have missed and genuinely try again.

The hardest part of empathic responding is the necessity of refraining from commentary. This is not the time to debate the validity of what your partner expresses. A principle in interpersonal relating is that you need to see the world through the other's point of view before you can even think about changing his or her perspective. So, making a good attempt to reflect in words what you think your partner is saying is a very helpful strategy.

Reflect Back What You Understand

There is absolutely nothing to lose and so much to gain by conveying that you accurately understand what your partner is saying.
Many people are hesitant to use empathy with their partners for fear that if they listen carefully and reflect back their accurate understanding of what their partner said, it will mean they are somehow endorsing their partner's viewpoint. Professionals who routinely work with people who are often very angry and volatile, however, know that clearly conveying an understanding of where the person is coming from is useful for deescalating the situation. Empathy helps discussions move forward rather than run in circles. Furthermore, conveying an understanding helps the other feel less alienated and better able to remain engaged in interaction.

David Burns, a well-known psychologist, researcher, and author, suggests people use the acronym EAR to remind themselves that a combination of empathy, assertiveness, and respect is a way to greatly improve communication. Empathy is a key ingredient. The second component, assertiveness, is a willingness to share your thoughts and feelings. Assertiveness is also important because if you don't take the initiative to express your thoughts, you may both end up in silence and this sets the stage for estrangement. Assertiveness may require you to take a risk to express yourself even if you are unsure how it will be received. The third component, respect, is not always present because people have a way of subtly putting each other down. Every anger can be expressed with respect, however, if words are chosen thoughtfully. The following section should help with the issue of maintaining respectful communication even if you are quite angered.